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| 2004-04-28/12:40 p.m. So, I should be rewriting my chem lab final, or studying for my calc final tomorrow, but I realize I haven't been here in a while and i figure now is as good a time as any to reflect on the year. I started this year so excited, but scared, worried that I wasn't going to make friends and wondering how I was going to fit into this huge party school. Well the first couple of weeks were hard, missing the family and the friends. I couldn't quite explain why it was such a big thing to feel that connection to home, maybe because there was so much between us all, so much that hadn't happened that we all were waiting for, and so much that had happened that we weren't ready for. I'm not saying that I wasn't ready to come to school, I was so ready to be on my own and make new friends and do whatever I wanted to. With that freedom came responsibility. Responsibility in regards to my actions, my grades, my friendships and I could handle those. I got a job and made friends with the girls on my hall, and some of the people in my classes. But I didn't have the same connection to them as I did to everyone at home. Until I started talking to people online and hiding behind my computer. It's always been hard for me to tell people things, I work so much better when I don't have to see who I'm talking to. I don't know why that is, but it's always just worked that way for me. But there was one person who saw through when I was upset. I mean I very rarely saw him but he could tell if something was bothering me, whether because of my away message, or the way I was talking. That ability to read me made me wonder if maybe this guy was different than every other guy here. I guess it really lucked out for me that he realized what a wonderful girl I am ;). Being with Joe hasn't been the only wonderful thing this year. I've met some great people. I love my friends here. They may never take the place of MulletNation, but I certainly hope that someday they will mean as much to me as MN does. But these people accepted me, no questions asked. I didn't have to prove myself to them. I guess that's one thing I love about college. I came here planning on changing who I was, b/c I didn't like high school Katy, something about how I was in high school just kept me where I was, no growth, no attempts to make myself better. I was going to become something that I wasn't. I wasn't going to be afraid to talk to people, or call places to order pizza, and generally be more outgoing. So it didn't happen, but what I have gotten was the ability to tell people when something's wrong, if not what the problem is. This is a step, one that I intend on improving on. I want to be able to talk to my friends here about the bad things, just as I tell them the good things ;). I don't want to feel like I'm balanced between two people, that all I do is bitch to my MN friends. That's not a good feeling, and I don't know if it will change, but I will try to make it change. Now the year is coming to a close and I should be doing something productive, but I guess I'm just not ready to give up on this year yet. It's been an amazing year, I've learned a lot about myself and a lot about the people that are my friends, and the people who aren't. We'll see. This summer will be the test. We'll see if I've made as much progress as I think I have, or if I'm just stuck being the same old Katy as I have been. I hope not ~Kates Somewhere over the rainbow way up high There's a land that I've heard of once in a lullaby Somewhere over the rainbow skies are blue And the dreams that you dare to dream really do come true Someday I wish upon a star And wake up where the clouds are far behind me Where troubles melt like lemon drops Away above the chimney tops That's where you find me Somewhere Over the Rainbow
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