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| 2003-11-12/1:42 a.m. So Kenny asked me the question that Laura had been posing and she discussed on her diary. Like I said, Kenny had asked me this while I was on the phone with him yesterday and I was like joking, Steve Volk and Abraham Lincoln. But after reading Laura’s diary I figured it might be a cool thing if I thought who I would meet in heaven. Of course this is just as my life is now, not including people I have yet to meet. First I think I would meet my Aunt Margaret. She’s been such an inspiration to me. Everything she writes to me, or tells me says that she’s proud of me and that I’m on my way to being a good strong Mahony woman (which is good considering it’s the only Mahony trait I’ve got going for me). She would probably tell me that the lesson that she has for me is just to follow my heart. That’s the important thing. Make sure that whatever I had done that I was happy. As few regrets as possible because I know I have some and I know that she has some as well. We would talk in her kitchen while drinking tea and just being. Next would probably be Bryan. It’s amazing how much that kid has grown on me. He’s so smart and understanding that it’s hard to imagine losing him at any point in my life. He’d teach me acceptance, and that faith is something that you won’t always understand though that’s all you want to do. We would meet at Toys R Us where we can wander and talk and still feel like we’re connected with the kid inside us. Ms Lewicky would be next. She was my fourth grade teacher, she made me love science. She also made me realize that I can be who I am and not worry about what people thought of me. I remember the year I had her watching as a friend and this guy Adam started “dating”. I remember her being so mad at me because he apparently liked me. This just sticks out in my mind for some reason, I can’t explain it. But Ms. Lewicky made me realize that it was ok for me not to change because the girl was mad at me. There really wasn’t anything I could do. I would meet her in her classroom at Lincoln Elementary School where we would sit at the 4th grade size desks and talk like adults because to her I’ve always been an adult. Kenny. What can I say. This kid has taught me so much. Has caused me to feel so much. I mean seriously, I’ve been in love and I’ve hated him so much that both hurt so much that I think I’m going to die. I think that with him I have finally realized who I am and what I’m capable of. It took me leaving to realize this though. I would talk to Kenny either in my car driving around in the valley with the music blaring, holding on to his hand, or on the phone. Do they have phones in Heaven? Finally… I’d probably have to say Kevin for showing me that someone doesn’t have to be drop dead gorgeous to be attractive and for making me realize, even only for a week or so that I am as worthy as anyone else. With him we’d probably be sitting at Matthew’s house, or maybe at the Fairgrounds where I realized that I am really as good as everyone else because it doesn’t take the perfect boyfriend, or a bunch of guys for you to realize that there is someone out there, if only for one night, thinks the world of you then you’ve made a difference. In other news… I joined this play type thing called ‘Advent Event’. Why? You may ask… because I can’t say No. Really I am Ado Annie personified, but I guess that because she was a person I really can’t be her personified because she already has been several times. But I hope that this turns out to be a good experience. If not then I don’t have to do it next year. I’ve figured out that in my desire to get involved here that everything I’ve gotten involved with is somehow faith oriented. Why is it that everything that I really want to do makes me feel like a hypocrite because I don’t really have that kind of faith. I keep thinking that I should stop going to mass and that I should stop doing all the stuff I’m doing and find a better outlet for my emotions because it all just causes more problems, but I find that I can’t do it. I can’t turn my back on it and I can’t make the excuses that I think of in order to get away from it all. I guess that’s a good thing because I won’t be making any excuses in the future either. I just feel like it’s my responsibility to be there now. I hate to feel obligated to make these things. Maybe one day I’ll learn to say no in the way that I really think I should. Maybe one day I’ll grow up and realize what it is that I want and what I need. And what I believe versus what I have been told to believe since I was born. Love ~Kates It ain't so much a question of not knowin' hut to do I knowed what's right an' wrong since I've been teen. I heared a lot of stories an' I reckon they're true About how girls are put upon by men. I know I mustn't fall into the pit -Cain’t Say No “Oklahoma”
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