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| 2003-10-18/2:13 p.m. Ok. I've left off updating for a couple of days, which is quite a lot for me. I mean I really do update far too often for my own good, and alas I also normally have nothing to say. Ergo I decided not to update until I had something to say. So something to say is this. I love you all. Last night I missed you all so much that it hurt. It hurt to be with people who weren't you guys. I went to the marching band concert and watched these people that I sort of know and wondered why am I here? Why aren't I where I should feel so completely comfortable with myself that it doesn't matter what I do or what I say? I realized that the feeling was a 'right now' feeling. I feel better today. Not a ton better, but better nonetheless. It helps to have a new friend to talk to. Thanks Joe. Unlike Larua I had no problem sharing this with one college friend. I think that he is the only one who I've actually told about this diary and let him read it. No one has really asked what I do when I'm on this website or anything like that. I don't have any problem really letting people see me for what I really am. I guess that I just want to see what I may actually be like. Maybe then they will understand why I'm such a basketcase a good percentage of the time. But last night while there was movie watching going on in my room, I just kept leaving. I went to get my laundry and then 10 minutes later I left to go for a walk, which was sadly cut short because my batteries were dead on my CD player. Really I shouldn't be wandering by the cemetary late at night by myself with headphones on, but it is relaxing. I need my anti-social time, but I don't mind letting people use my room. I was the same way at home and this is just my home away from home. I treat them both the same way. I don't understand why I can't just sit in my room and be more grownup about being with people. I don't know, I'm probably not making sense. It was awesome talking to Kenny last night. We didn't say a lot, but it definately made a difference. I will hopefully talk to you guys soon. I miss you all so much. I love you and you are always on my mind. Take care of yourselves, and I had better see you all Thanksgiving time. always ~Kates Try to understand,theres an old mistake that fools will make. And i'm the king of them,pushing everything that's good away. So won't you hold me now? (I will not bend.I will not break.) Won't you hold me now? (I will not bend.I will not break.) I am feeling agile. I can bend and not break. Or I can break and take it with a smile. I am so resilient. I recover quickly. I'll convince you soon that i am fine -Bend and Not Break Dashboard Confessional
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