|
|
|
| 2003-09-23/11:51 p.m. Well here I be. A Triumphant return if you will. Well maybe not so triumphant. I do realize that this has become yet another place for me to bitch about everything endlessly. I'm really sorry guys. I was telling Rach earlier that I think I've lost my faith. I feel like Bethany from Dogma, I really do think that God is dead. I guess that may be the sign of a true Catholic. I don't go to church to balance my checkbook. I go to network, and find hug buddies. It's terribly sad that I no longer find any joy in church except because of the people. I went to church again today and when they do petitions I could have said "for my father who's been diagnosed with cancer" maybe their prayers would help. But I couldn't do. I couldn't even think it. When the priest said 'may we pray for those that have spoken and those in our hearts' I don't think I had that in my heart at all. I feel like such a terrible person. I love my father I don't want anything to happen to him. I know nothing's going to because he's going to be fine. But it's the knowledge that God was trying to take him from me. I dread the thought of going home and seeing this person who's dressed like my dad, but know that it's not. It's someone in my dad's shell, but it's not really him. I don't want to see a shell. I want my dad. I'm beginning to sound like a broken record. I can't believe that this keeps happening. I'm constantly stopping myself from crying. I keep walking away from my computer because I know that if I look at your screen names anymore I'm not going to be able to handle it. So I just get up and leave and come back in a few moments, but in those moments I have to go someplace where I can be by myself just to compose myself. It's such a terrible feeling, knowing that you really can't talk to your friends without having to leave at some point to compose yourself. So I will continue to go through the motions and live my life in this empty shell. If you have any advice for me please feel free to drop me a line. Drop me a line anyway. I love you and you are in my thoughts constantly. ~Kates Now I will tell you what I've done for you 50 thousand tears I've cried Screaming deceiving and bleeding for you and you still won't hear me Don't want you hand this time I'll save myself Maybe I'll wake up for once Not tormented daily defeated by you Just when I thought I'd reached the bottom I'm dying again Blurring and stirring the truth and the lies So I don't know what's real and what's not Always confusing the thoughts in my head So I can't trust myself anymore I'm dying again -Going Under Evanescence
|
Now Then Book Profile buddies (er... henchmen?): Scratchs Laura Rach Regz Seka Lex Beth Invader-Tim Josh Jaimie Rings Reviews Dedicate Design Host |
